


Srodulv

by invisible_slytherin



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-09 06:12:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17996435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_slytherin/pseuds/invisible_slytherin
Summary: "The only thing he knew for sure was that he had told Eliott, not so subtly, that choices had to be made sometimes. And he also knew that choosing meant more than slipping a sentimental drawing into his pocket."Or, the one where Lucas finds Eliott's Instagram.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is basically just a recap of what we know from canon, but the next chapter is the one where Lucas finally finds Eliott's Instagram.

 

 

 

 

Lucas  was tired. Or  maybe  exhausted was the better word to describe it.  He felt like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and he felt like everything around him was crumbling down. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to deal with it without breaking down.

 

 

His life hadn't been perfect for a long while.  Things had already been falling apart with his parents and his living conditions for some time now.  However, while those situations weren't great, he could deal with them. The problem was when more problems started pilling up on top of him.

 

 

They started when Eliott entered his life and turned everything upside down.  He had made Lucas discover things he still wasn’t sure he had wanted to discover and he had made Lucas feel things he had never felt before.

 

 

And then Eliott had left, he had made Lucas fall and didn’t catch him. Eliott had let him fall to the floor and left him there, hurt and crying, screaming for help with no one to hear.

 

 

Thinking back now, Lucas hated it all because he missed every one of those feelings he had when he was with Eliott and all the moments they spent together. Even if he didn't want to, he missed Eliott more than he should.

 

 

After Eliott left, everything in Lucas' life fell down so much faster.

 

 

Lucas’ heart broke and he wasn’t able to control all the emotions inside of him. Things with Chloé got out of hand. She screamed at him, she screamed the truth he didn’t want to face and she screamed it in front of way too many people.  Lucas lied to his friends, told lie after lie, got into a fight with them and made everything become strained between them. And then he went and hurt himself.  He punched a gate and bruised his hand almost as much as Eliott had bruised his heart with that text and the way he leaned down and kissed Lucille so soon after.

 

 

Lucas had been alone almost the whole week. He didn’t have anyone to sit with or anyone to talk to.  Just  the girls.  They were like a little safety boat that could keep him afloat for a bit, before reality crashed over him like a powerful wave and made him struggle to stay above water.  Spending Wednesday afternoon with them had been great, he had been able to breathe a little more  easily  for a few hours and, even though he hadn’t exactly forgotten everything that was happening, it had been a little easy to ignore it.

 

 

And then he had found the drawing.  Eliott had somehow managed to slip it into his pocket and Lucas couldn't tell if he was more annoyed about Eliott reaching out to him, about him using his parallel universe philosophy to show the differences between them and their alternate reality selves, or about  being called  Eliott’s destiny after everything that had gone down between them.

 

 

The only thing he knew for sure was that he had told Eliott, not so  subtly  , that choices had to  be made  sometimes.  And he also knew that choosing meant more than slipping a sentimental drawing into his pocket. Lucas was aware that the time he had spent with Eliott  probably  hadn’t meant much to the other boy. He knew that Eliott didn’t care that much about him and he  surely  didn’t lose sleep over their failed ‘relationship’.  Therefore, Lucas wouldn’t let himself  be played  again; not even if Eliott called him his destiny.

 

 

And, as if things weren’t already bad enough in his life, he had  been encouraged  to talk to someone he trusted, open up and be truthful for once. And he had done it, he had been brave enough to do exactly that.  His heart had been beating  frantically  inside his chest, his palms had been sweaty and he was shaking  slightly, but a part of him knew that this was his best friend, his Yann, he wouldn’t leave him after finding this out. Yann wasn’t like that.  And so Lucas had told him, opened up about his family problems, how much trouble sleeping he was having and about how he had fallen in love with Eliott.

 

 

For a moment, he had thought everything was going to be okay. He had thought that Yann was going to be there for him and let him talk. He had thought that he would listen to him and help him with this burden that he was carrying, but then everything had crumbled down. Yann had walked away, he ‘needed time’ was the only explanation he had given Lucas,  just  like Eliott had done.  And if it had hurt when Eliott had done it, then it hurt even more with Yann who  was supposed  to be his best friend, his brother.

 

 

At least he had Mika and Manon. He wasn't completely alone was what he kept telling himself.  They had listened to him, they had given him their shoulders to cry on and advice, they had held him while he let all the pent up emotions lose and Lucas was  extremely  grateful for that. And for them.

 

 

Lucas had underestimated  greatly  the need to let out everything he had bottled up. He could now see that talking about what was worrying him was a good thing. Although things didn’t become better  just  because he cried for a little, he felt a bit freer. Even if  just  for a few moments. And that was enough for now, it was already a great relief.

 

 

All in all, Lucas life wasn’t great right now.

 

 

He  just  hoped that the other Lucas in the other alternative universes weren’t going through what he was going through.  He hoped that they were happy with their surfing, their big contracts, they football careers, their good grades and their Eliotts.

 

 

And one day he could be happy like them.


	2. Chapter 2

He found another drawing on Thursday. This time, there weren’t two drawings side by side. There was no comparing realities. There was only one drawing, one reality. Their reality and one hedgehog. Lucas.

 

The little hedgehog had an angry expression on his face that made Lucas scoff. At least Eliott noticed that he wasn’t happy and fine with life at the moment. He guessed that, as much as Eliott didn’t care, at least he had enough empathy to notice that.

 

But, apparently, the hedgehog's expression wasn’t the most important part of the drawing. The hedgehog had a phone in his hand and Lucas could see the Instagram logo on the top corner of the phone. There was a caption on the bottom of the paper just like there had been on Friday, but it was different this time. It wasn’t about Eliott, it was about Lucas.

 

“ _Lucas nº 1 discovers @ srodulv_ ”

 

It confused Lucas despite how straightforward it was. What did Eliott want? Was srodulv Eliott’s Instagram? That would explain why Lucas hadn’t found him when he had searched his name weeks ago. But what could possibly be in his Instagram that would justify Eliott coming forward and giving him his name?

 

Those questions could probably be solved easily if Lucas just got his phone out of his pocket and searched for Eliott’s Instagram. Lucas knew that. However, he wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. Wouldn’t that be like giving in? wouldn't that be like going back and almost ignoring the hurt?

 

Truth be told, he was afraid of what he would find when he opened up Eliott’s Instagram. It surely wouldn’t be just selfies and pictures of landscapes, Eliott wouldn’t have gone out of his way to give him the drawing and his username for that. It had to be something deeper and way more meaningful.

 

He managed to avoid thinking about going on Instagram until his classes ended. Every time he started thinking about it, he shut his brain down, not wanting to deal with a wandering mind. He knew, deep down, that he would look for it as soon as he got home. But he didn’t want to start imagining what he would find when he finally ‘discovered srodulv’, not in the middle of class, at least.

 

But then the bell rang and he put his books in his backpack and he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t thinking about it any longer.

 

And he was curious, he wanted to know what Eliott wanted him to see, what he wanted him to discover. Would it change Lucas’ mind? Would it make the hurt go away?

 

When he finally got home, he quickly looked around to make sure no one else was there. He felt like he should be alone for this, like it was too much of a private moment to share with anyone. He knew that Manon had stayed in school after he had left because he had seen her there and, since he hadn't seen Mika in the apartment, he probably had a shift at work. Lisa could be in her room, Lucas didn't check, but he knew that she wouldn't bother him if he didn't bother her.  

 

He sat on the couch after dropping his backpack to the floor and taking off his shoes, he threw his jacket to the armchair and pulled a blanket over him. He didn’t know if it was because it was still cold in March, if it was because he needed some type of comfort, or if he was using it as a shield against whatever he was going to see that might hurt him.

 

He grabbed his phone and opened the Instagram app. The drawing was laying next to him and Lucas’ eyes kept shifting to it, to the angry hedgehog and the words on the bottom of the page. He had so many questions and he could get the answers so easily but he was too afraid to type the word he needed to type.

 

He took a deep breath and typed srodulv on the search bar, careful not to make any mistakes. This was important. Way too important.

 

Lucas’ hands were sweating and his heart was beating frantically. Questions were swirling around in his head and his hand shook when he clicked on the first profile that appeared. There were twenty pictures on Eliott’s profile and Lucas wasn’t sure if he should look at the newest one or go all the way to the first one he ever published.  

 

But this was Eliott and Eliott was an artist. Eliott knew how to tell a story and stories start at the beginning. So, he scrolled down Eliott’s page, avoiding looking too much into what he knew were drawings, not wanting to mess this up, and opened Eliott’s older picture.

 

It was a picture of him, his face wasn’t showing and the main focus was the necklace resting on his chest. Lucas didn’t know if it had some kind of deep meaning, but since it was dated November 2018, way before they had met, Lucas didn’t think it was important for him to see and understand right now. If things ended up working out, maybe he would be able to ask Eliott about it.

 

The picture after that was a drawing. Or rather, three small drawings of a cat and a raccoon in a vague heart shape. Lucas knew who the raccoon was and he had a pretty good idea about the cat. Lucille. It could only be her based on the affection that seemed to be present between the two spirit animals. It was from the beginning of January, though, so Lucas tried to tell his mind and his heart not to dwell on it too much. It was a bit hard since he could only remember how Eliott had kissed her at Chloé's party as if he hadn't been with Lucas just a few days before.

 

He went to the next post before his heart could start squeezing painfully inside his chest. He wasn't prepared for the drawing he saw, though. He wasn't ready at all and it made him take in a sharp intake of breath.

 

He remembered the 25th of January, he remembered seeing Eliott for the first time in the common room. He remembered the eye contact that made Lucas dizzy and he remembered sitting with him at the bus stop. _Chelou_. Sharing some vending machine food that Eliott had brought for them and sadly getting interrupted by Chloé. He could remember all of it and it surprised him that that moment had been important enough for Eliott to draw. Already important enough back then to warrant a place in the Instagram where he had almost nothing up to that moment.

 

It warmed Lucas' being, just like Eliott's expressive eyes and his kind smile had done back in that bus stop on that Friday night.

 

Lucas also recognized the next picture. He recognized the image from Polaris, the one he had seen so long ago when he had been looking for Eliott on the Internet. The picture that now brought him to another Friday night when he had felt like he could conquer the world.

 

He moved on to the next one quickly, not wanting to think about that night and how happy he had been then. It was a terrible contrast to the way he had been feeling recently and Lucas didn't want to relive it yet.

 

February 1st. Lucas had loved that night. Or most of that night, at least.

 

He had loved spending that time with Eliott just smoking and joking around. He had loved talking to him and discovering things about him. That was the night when he had discovered that Eliott was an artist, that his spirit animal was a racoon and that he had shitty taste in music. Discovering things about Eliott had been an amazing experience and Lucas remembered never wanting that night to end.

 

He had wanted to never leave Eliott’s house and just stay there with him until the end of eternity.

 

He had even played the piano for Eliott. He never really played the piano when anyone was in the room with him. It had always been his own little private thing, but, in that moment of trust and soft glow, it had felt so right to share a little bit of himself with Eliott, that Lucas hadn’t even thought twice about it.

 

He could hear the soft sound of the piano now. ‘I love you’ hanging in the air with every note, and he saw Eliott’s mesmerized expression as clear as the day. He had never gotten a reaction like that and, seeing Eliott looking at him in that way, had made him feel like the best pianist in the whole world.

 

_Suprenant_. Eliott liked surprising people and, when he told Lucas that, it had sounded like a confession to Lucas’ ears. It sounded like a promise and like the future.

 

But they had been interrupted again. By Eliott’s phone this time. The sound like a wake-up call in the middle of the paradise they had been sharing. Looking back now, Lucas felt bad when he remembered that he had only regretted ditching his friends and Chloé when he saw Eliott kiss his girlfriend. Leaving Eliott and going to the party with them hadn't even seemed like a possibility to him before that.

 

The next picture didn’t seem like it had a deeper meaning than just a picture Eliott had taken. But that might just be Lucas’ brain not wanting to work anything out. There was a light in the dark and that made him think back to Polaris and its concept, though. It did seem plausible that Eliott was referencing it, but Lucas couldn’t be sure; so, he moved on.

 

Oreo made him chuckle. It was such an Eliott thing to post about him to mourn the raccoon. His little spirit animal. Lucas smiled softly. Eliott was a dork and he was adorable and Lucas still wished he hadn’t fallen for him. It was too hard to get over Eliott, especially when he was so soft and kind. Especially when he had such a beautiful soul.

 

Lucas couldn’t tie the next drawing to anything he had lived with Eliott, but he guessed it was pretentious to assume that everything on Eliott’s Instagram related to him, somehow.

 

The brain with the ‘Lost & Found’ tag worried him though. What had Eliott been thinking, what had he been going through when he drew that. Was he hurting in some way? Why had he been lost? Where had he found himself and had he lost himself again after that drawing? Why was his brain inside of a jar? It worried Lucas beyond belief. As hurt as he was with Eliott and what had happened between them, he still wanted Eliott to be alright and happy. And this drawing hadn't been made by someone who was alright and happy. It came from a place of pain, Lucas was sure of that, and he didn't want Eliott to feel the need to draw something like it, ever again.

 

The next caption said ‘Man Underwater’ and it was a beautiful painting. Lucas knew that most of the time art was open for interpretation and that the meaning of it changed depending on the person. He could see himself in it. The need to stay afloat and the difficulty in doing so. Lucas wondered if Eliott understood what it was like to feel like he was drowning, too. If he also felt like he couldn’t breathe at times. If he felt like a force bigger than him was pulling him down and keeping him from staying above water. He didn’t wish that feeling on anyone, but, selfishly, he liked to feel understood.

 

The post after the painting was a video, the only post where Eliott showed his face.

 

He didn’t say anything, but Lucas hadn’t really expected him to do so. This was Eliott. Speaking without words was something that was part of him, something he was extremely good at. Lucas thought that Eliott not speaking made it more personal because it reminded him of silent moments and intense stares. Eliott talked with his eyes and Lucas had fallen for every word they had said to him. He loved Eliott’s eyes and he missed looking into them, wished he could look into them right now. Wished he could see them in front of him, pure and unfiltered.

 

He gulped and moved to the next image. It wouldn't do him any good to get distracted thinking about Eliott's eyes.

 

He frowned at the image of the raccoon and the mess of lines around it. There was only one thing that drawing could mean.

 

Lucas checked the date - 13th February, - the day he had stood Lucas up, the day they were supposed to paint the mural together. Eliott had said he had had a problem, but it hadn’t crossed Lucas’ mind that maybe he had had a problem with himself, a problem inside of himself.

 

All those lines could only mean messy thoughts, a cluttered and chaotic mind and Lucas was starting to wonder if there was much more to Eliott than what he let the world see. He had forgiven Eliott for not showing up, he had understood that sometimes people are met with a problem they aren’t expecting and have to cancel plans. However, he had never though into it any further and he now regretted it.

 

What if Eliott had actually been in trouble with other people or with himself? What if he had been to caught up in his mind for whatever reason? What if he had actually wanted to be with Lucas that day but it hadn’t been possible? Had he had someone there to help him and support him? Lucas hoped so.

 

He left that picture, the bitter taste of guilt still in his mouth, and tried to understand what Eliott wanted to tell him next.

 

He didn’t know how to analyze the bow with the word Polaris in it. He was sure it meant something - Eliott didn't post things just because -  but he didn't know what. Did it have anything to do with Valentine’s day? Pointing an arrow at someone like Cupid does? Falling in love, maybe? Falling in love with the light to Eliott’s dark? Falling in love with the light that would enlighten his confused thoughts. Maybe it meant finding the person who completed Eliott's own personal Polaris story. The possibility left Lucas' hands tingling with the memory of how he had initiated their first kiss, exactly with the Polaris scene.

  
  


Lucas couldn’t help but laugh at the black and white video that came up next. ‘Double trouble’ on the 14th of February. Could it be a reference to the double date Chloé had planned for them for the day after? Lucas wasn’t sure. Paying attention to the lyrics he felt like maybe he was reading too much into it and told himself again that not every post had to be about him. He opened the next picture before he could make up some crazy theory.

 

Lucas had never read ‘The Waves’ before but he suddenly wanted to get the book and read it as soon as possible, if only to make sure he understood exactly what Eliott was trying to convey with that quote.

 

Did he want the ‘star’ to carry him with it? Take him to the sky and ‘consume him’? Lucas had never known there was so much depth to Eliott, so many feelings and emotions behind the smiley boy he had fallen for. And that depth made Eliott so much more interesting as if he wasn’t already interesting enough in Lucas’ eyes. Lucas wanted to know more about Eliott. He wanted to learn what happened in his mind, what went on behind his beautiful eyes. He wanted to understand what had happened and how Eliott was feeling. Wanted to be there for him in times when he felt like drawing raccoons surrounded by chaotic thought and times when he wanted to be consumed by stars. Lucas was hurt, but he wanted to be there for Eliott, because maybe he hadn’t been the only one hurt in this whole situation. Maybe they just had to understand each other and then they could be happy and there for each other every step of the way.

 

Lucas' eyes widened when he saw the drawing of the raindrops that appeared after the quote.

 

Pas peur.

 

He felt tears come up to his eyes at the memory of what they had shared that day and at the knowledge that it had been as important to Eliott as it had been to him. It had been important to Eliott. It hadn't been a game to him. It had meant something.

 

The memory was clear in Lucas’ mind. The rain falling over them, Eliott’s cold hands on his hair and on his face, Eliott’s soft, wet hair between his fingers. He could smell the rain, the wet soil and Eliott’s cologne. He could still taste Eliott and the water on his tongue.

 

It was as if he was living that moment again through Eliott’s drawing and, if that was the reason why Eliott had drawn it, then Lucas couldn’t try to convince himself that he didn’t mean anything to Eliott any longer.

 

Because he clearly did. The proof was right there in the form of the raindrops Eliott had drawn after their first kiss. Eliott had to care.

 

Pas peur.

 

He wiped his tears. The combination of being flooded with so many memories and feelings and seeing Eliot in a different light being too much for him to handle. But he had to keep going. He wasn’t done seeing every post Eliott had made and he had to, he knew he had to. Eliott wanted him to see it all and he was now understanding why. He wanted to see everything just as much as Eliott wanted him to.

 

The post that appeared after the one from that dreamlike Friday was a big contrast from it.

 

There wasn’t a memory attached to it on Lucas’ side but it was clear that what Eliott had been feeling when he posted it was the opposite of what he had felt on the night they had kissed.

 

The mood of the post was completely different, it was sad and doubtful. It had Lucas worried.

 

There had to have been something going on with Eliott. Something must have happened that made him doubt his happiness this much. Eliott had felt the need to reassure himself that everything was going to be alright and that didn't sit well with Lucas; Eliott should never feel like that.

 

Lucas could only hope that Eliott was feeling better now and that that momentary sadness had been exactly that, momentary.

 

The next picture confused him.

 

The date didn’t ring any bells at first, and only when he checked the calendar and saw which day of the week it had fallen on, did he understand the connection with himself.

 

It had been the day he had left his Biology test unfinished to see Eliott. Eliott had kissed him right outside the classroom and they had been lucky no one had seen them. Despite the danger of being seen, Lucas had been happy to be with Eliott for that little bit of time, to kiss him and to be careless for a few blissful seconds.

 

And then everything had gone down the drain. Eliott had lied to his face, he had told him that Lucille knew about them and that they had broken up. Lucas had believed him and, as long as Eliott hadn’t been sad, he had been happy too, more than happy.

 

Lucas even opened up to him about his family. He had told Eliott about the situation with his father and then about his mother. Or rather, half lied about his mother. In his defence, he just hadn’t wanted to drive Eliott away because of his mother, he hadn't wanted Eliott to leave because Lucas had too much baggage or something like that. He had wanted him to stay and so he had told him  _not to worry_ because he didn't talk to his mother anymore.

 

But Eliott had closed himself off after that. He hadn’t let Lucas kiss him again and he had left without any explanation to why he had to suddenly go. Lucas had been confused at the time, but he hadn’t dwelt on it too much, especially since things got even worse the next day.

 

But now, looking at Eliott’s thoughts, Lucas could see that something about that conversation had hurt Eliott. Something had hurt him so much that he had felt the need to build a wall between himself and the world and that was what the drawing showed.

 

Lucas just couldn’t figure out what in that interaction had made Eliott feel like this. It might have been because of what he said about his mother, but what exactly and how exactly? Lucas couldn’t be sure unless Eliott told him with his words. And maybe it was about time they did exactly that, talked things out and understood each other. If not to get back together, then at least to understand each other’s perspective and put this mess behind their backs.

 

The raccoon trying to write something only to crumple the paper in his hands and throw it away broke his heart.

 

Had this been the image of Eliott trying to convey his feelings and reach out to Lucas?

 

Maybe that’s where the drawings came from, Eliott trying to make sure that Lucas knew what he was feeling, a place of hurt and confusion.

 

It made Lucas feel guilty because just like Eliott had crumpled those papers and threw them away, Lucas had done the exact same thing with the drawings Eliott had given him. He had thrown away the only way Eliott had finally found, after struggling, to reach out to him.

 

But Lucas still couldn’t understand what had happened.

 

Why had Eliott been fine only to pull away and go back to Lucille in a matter of days? Lucas was confused and hurt. Eliott had hurt him. He had asked him time and then went back to his girlfriend and now he was trying to make amends with Lucas? Why? When would Eliott make up his mind? He couldn’t have both as Lucas had told him in the cafeteria. He had to choose. Lucas wouldn't let himself be played like that.

 

But maybe Eliott had already made his choice.

 

At least, the next picture seemed to confirm that. It had been posted last Tuesday, on the day Lucas had seen him in the cafeteria and had told him that choices were necessary sometimes.

 

Perhaps Eliott wasn’t brave enough or confident enough to tell Lucas that he had made his choice. Maybe he was afraid of rejection or of something else. Lucas didn’t know. It could be more than one thing or maybe Eliott wasn’t afraid at all and Lucas was just reading too much into this post.

 

However, the description that Eliott had written with it and the fact that the man in the picture was hugging a male statue, made Lucas think that he was the only person he could ever be referring to was him. It couldn’t be Lucille. It just couldn’t. It had to be Lucas.

 

_“In case you ever foolishly forget: I am never not thinking of you.”_

 

It had to be him. It had to.

 

Because Eliott cared for him. He cared and he thought of Lucas. And he had made his choice.

 

There was only one last picture on Eliott’s Instagram. Lucas took a deep breath before opening it.

 

And nothing could keep the smile out of his face after he saw it.

 

It was precious and it confirmed every suspicion he had. Eliott  _had_ made his choice and he had chosen Lucas. Even if he still didn’t tell it to his face, even if he couldn’t look in Lucas’ eyes and tell him, maybe because Lucas hadn’t looked like he wanted to be anywhere near him recently. But he had made his choice and that was what mattered the most.

 

The little raccoon in the drawing had a shy, almost closed off and cautious expression on his face. He looked unsure but he was still standing there in front of a hedgehog. The hedgehog looked mad, but his expression was softening around the edges and his hand was reaching out. Reaching out to the heart that the raccoon was holding out to him. The description was a simple sentence. _Please forgive me_.

 

But Lucas had already forgiven him. He had because Eliott deserved another chance. Because all of this mess was probably coming from their lack of communicating. Because he loved Eliott and Eliott was  _never not thinking of him_.

 

Because that’s what his Instagram meant, wasn’t it? That’s why Eliott had wanted him to see it. It was because Eliott posted about everything that impacted his life one way or the other, everything that was important to him. And Lucas had seen more than one post about him. For weeks, Lucas had been impacting Eliott’s life and starring in his thoughts just like Eliott had been doing to him.

 

And it was time to put all of this behind their backs. It was time to talk to each other. To explain and to listen. It was time to understand what had happened and maybe be happy again.

 

Be happy with each other.

 

His hedgehog had accepted the raccoon’s heart. Lucas nº1 had discovered srodulv. And now, it was time for Lucas to find Eliott and learn everything about him too.

 

_lucallemant started following srodulv_

  



End file.
